Saturday, Sept. 12, 2009
Reflections from Off the Ledge
9:07 AM CST 9/12/09
Well, I just found the DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) website and I am doing more research once again on bipolar disorder. I don't think it will hurt. Last night before I went to bed, I watched some videos on bipolar disorder from the medical standpoint and they scared me because they showed the extreme cases. I don't want to end up like that, homeless and full of suicidal thoughts and voices in my head. So I am going to keep taking my meds. I've been pretty compliant on that end ever since I've been diagnosed when I was 17. It's been 4 years, and in October, it will be 5. I never thought I would come this far, but I've had to be strong with this illness, because it can easily bring you down with the tides like a wave.
I just bought the DBSA's "Don't Call Me Crazy" shirt and I can't wait for it to come. I also purchased a medical alert necklace that says that I have Bipolar I and Diabetes and that if it's urgent, to call 911, because I only had 3 lines of space for the necklace. I have a list of core friends in my journal and I'm going to make a printable list for my wallet and phone in a little while. I need to take every precaution that I can because I've been having racing and vague suicidal thoughts like wanting to see what it would be like to disappear. I don't want to ACTUALLY die, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that death is sometimes a viable and seductive opportunity in my quest for oblivion finally being requited.
Well, I'm going to look at some more tools on the DBSA website, and then see what else I can find online, and read through some of the books I checked out from the library.
My cold is getting better, but I'm still hacking up a lung and am congested as heck. I'm like a mucus factory. That mucus guy from the Mucinex commercials is having a party in my body right now, cha-cha sliding it up with all his friends. But not for long because it's on! I've got drugs on my side, and they (eventually) will EPIC WIN! I can SO beat this virus thing. No big.
Peace always,
V
nessiegurlie at 9:20 A.M.
